I have avoided being a logophile for sometime. I have avoided expressing my hidden emotions thru words. I’d blame my trauma for such avoidance. And that’s something I will deal on a daily basis. I just don’t believe there’s healing in trauma— but I am amenable there’s better coping, and I am coping very well. Praise God!
Where have you been all these years? Question I ask Andrew a lot. Unnecessarily cheesy for some but can also be a pitiful question for others. Well, unfortunately I’m one of those pitiful “others” ( ´◡‿ゝ◡`)
An ordinary gesture becomes extraordinary when you’ve been mistreated tons, or you weren’t showed the best of character from a significant other? I enjoyed the temporary fragrance of flowery words and promises—- but when I was showed simple yet intense aroma of love, affection, and consistency— the ones I thought were special are actually usual? (✿^‿^)
“This is how it should be love..” Andrew keeps telling me this— what a pitiful soul am I to only realize this beautiful thing called AFFECTION, RESPECT, LOVE— now? I mean I know all these but actually receiving them CONSISTENTLY feels amazing!
When we love, we should always choose, respect, honesty, loyalty, and FRIENDSHIP. It is only when these are present will a relationship survive. Of course God as the center of it all—
To have someone to talk to at night before hitting the sack, is a blessing I didn’t know I would appreciate. No fighting, no arguments, just healthy conversation about our day, our life– our frustrations for the day’s work and our simple joys.
Everything that he is— is extremely UNUSUAL for me. He’ll let you get out of the car first after grocery shopping and will tell you, “love, get inside the house, I got everything!”
He’ll remember what I’ve shared to him during conversations — my preference in food, places to visit, my likes and dislikes…without intentionally asking them.
When I am seemingly out of character, he consistently asks if I am doing okay~ he won’t stop until I spill the beans! It’s too good to be true, but it is, and he is. The affection I’ve received from Andrew isn’t something that’s easy to share. It’s not something I wanted to share.
I’ve avoided sharing these beautiful feeling, coz I know how fickle and capricious it can be. I am still scared to share how blessed I am to be with Andrew— coz I am still very scarred. Trusting Andrew isn’t the most challenging, it’s trusting myself that is.
Everything that Andrew is~~ still scares me. Never in my wildest imagination that someone like Andrew exist. Someone like him can treat me like, I really matter. That’s how scarred my heart is. I didn’t know how to receive love because I’ve such skewed understanding of love.
If only I can go back to being confident about myself— about my identity as a person.
As a Christian, it’s sealed and unchangeable, I am loved and I will never be abandoned by the one who saved me. My identity is in Christ!
But as a woman, I still to this day try to convince myself I am worthy to receive love, respect, affection—and consistency. Because since the day I realized I was being played and fooled for years, I lost my sense of self. I have lost a sense of self.
I hope one day I will be able to extend my confident self again– sharing what I can and what I have to the full extent of my being. At the moment, I live in the present, because I have avoided thinking of my future. The paralyzing what ifs—-
Let me end today’s post with a kampai to today, kampai to whatever.