Written on July 25, 2013

Roller Coaster Ride is an understatement to what I’m feeling right now.  It’s a combination of stomach ache and headache with chest pain and allergies. Well if you can handle it, I am trying to.

A rainbow of emotions should I say but it’s not as colorful as I want it to be. It’s vivid but it’s dark, it’s clear but it’s blurry. Every person has their own weaknesses and every weaknesses has it’s own point of outburst. For some reason I don’t really feel like sharing it but when I can usually write something nice when I’m unstable in my thoughts. So let me dig in to my whirlwind thoughts that is slowly killing me if I will not let it out. 

Imagine yourself in a very quiet place surrounded with flowers and butterflies with beautiful birds singing around you and trees all around you. It’s beyond happiness isn’t it? But in the midst of your humming and your creative imagination, an explosion happened. What are you going to do? Run? Stay? Hide? or just calmly walk away? In situations like that, we don’t really know exactly what else to do when we are experiencing it— but if we think of it deeply, then it’s a completely different perspective. We can’t always plan how we really react or how we respond to the situation-and human as we are, we are created with cells, atoms and electrons that send signals to our system which push us to respond on things be it negatively or positively. 

In a situation, as much as we want it to be handled perfectly– we never really know how to and what to respond when we are bombarded with sudden thoughts and explosive assumptive messages. We try to control ourselves to not overly react to it, but we don’t really have the chance to process our thoughts. There will be times in our lives that we will respond to certain circumstance dramatically. Needless for us to say the right words, we tend to forget the value of self control in our lives. We allow ourselves to be defeated with thoughts that’s never really meant to be there, or assumptions that’s never really meant to be said or judgment that never really meant to be uttered. It’s like “oops, I’m sorry I said that” I didn’t really think about it or intend that— but it’s too late for us to say. That’s only when our mind now is moving and doing it’s job to suppress the emotions and wake wisdom and discernment up.  And as much as we want to take it back, it can’t be undone. 

Then in the middle of your imaginative mind, after the explosion— you figured you ran in the wrong direction and you are headed for destruction but you didn’t want to go back because you think you can make it out. It’s like PRIDE, we thought our pride can help us but it actually help us destroy ourselves.  We might be running but are running in circles, no direction, no guide and definitely only led by Prideful spirit. I realized that our Pride can’t help us in any way, nor our “running away” will too— it will only make the matter worst and will make it more complicated. 

Looking back, our imagination can bring us to something really amazing but it can also bring us to something complicated. We rationalize our situations sometimes that we forget that the only problem really was US, we just didn’t want to admit it for ourselves. We sometimes assume that the situation can be easily understood but for others, it’s as complicated as they see us to be. So better yet, before we jump into a conclusion or respond to an explosion—- be calm but stay alert. It’ll probably help us be better individuals in our next volcanic eruptions. 

Kidding aside, I’m happy to be called insecure, jealous and that I should act like I am a real “child of God”…. because it made me realized how  BIG my God is and How awesome of a creation I am. Someone died for me 2000 years ago and that’s more than enough for me to present myself as “weak but strong because of HIM”— Lost but found, Sinned but redeemed, In darkness but now living in the light, insecure but now secured and jealous but now assured.

People can call me names and judge me but my old self is long gone and dead. They can never pull me down and take me away from the Love of our Lord. I am very aware that I am weak in some areas and I know God is working in me and through me in these situations—

Thus, I will pursue more of Him rather than pursue my thoughts and nonsense point—- it’ll surely make me better and transform me to become more sensitive to others as well. 

When thoughts becomes explosions, It’s loud and it can destroy the person, the situation or the relationship. For now, let me enjoy the revelation of understanding—- and let me not mourn over what is not worth it. 

Create in me a clean heart o God and renew the right spirit within me.