It’s going to be our 6 years wedding anniversary this Saturday, August 8, 2020~ and to be honest, I don’t think I have the most grateful heart to celebrate that. I don’t think I have the courage to even smile and say, all is well— God’s got this, because there are days, like today— I can not contain my disgusts, pain, heartache– no matter how hard, how deep, how many verses I read, and how many sermons I listen to.

I change daily and that’s what’s hard about this struggle. Last week was wow Lord, where is this joy and peace coming from! This week, I don’t think I can say that—-

I prayed for it to last a long time like that~ peaceful and joyful!!! But see, “looking for a bag of chips” turned everything upside down in an instant! Oh, I’m at fault~ I’m always at fault!

I’ve prayed for doors to open and doors to close. I’ve prayed for strength— and still, I feel stuck, stagnant, unproductive, really angry at myself on my decisions.

For once, I had wanted so bad for myself.

Myself.

I’ve always been strong about my stance, it’s wrong to say, I deserve to be treated this way in a relationship. As if I am deserving of something. But lately, I’ve been asking— why not? Why can’t I demand to be treated the way I want to be treated?

There’s nothing wrong with standards as long as it’s in line with God’s—

But then, what is really that I want? How do I want to be treated?

I learned from a week ago, we can never rebuke a spirit of lie because it’s not a spirit~ it’s an “attitude”— my pastor shared! Then he added, that one has to know the consequences of lying. If he still lies even after knowing, that’s attitude problem, not a spirit.

Now that’s scary! Because my prayers are always backed up by God’s spirit~ how do we even defeat someone’s attitude through praying? If really, they still have the ultimate choice to continue, or not continue their habits.

Real life struggles are really there to break you, if we decide to just let it.

And the interesting thing today,

I kind of just want that.

Break me!