If this is really about me, if not then teach me now…

If this is really about me, if yes then show me how…

You know I’m willing, I want it, I’ll give you what YOU wanted, just tell me, or break me~~~ if it’s me!

I’m letting go, I’m letting You…lead me the way back to YOU..my life is empty– if YOU’RE NOT WITH ME.

In the situation I am in, 90% of the time I attack myself with negative words “about myself” and only 10% about the other party.

I find it easier to blame myself— and say, “Lord, if I am the problem, break me…or change me…”

If I am the problem, tell me! If You want my life, take it~ all of it! It’s YOURS!

A serious request to God for myself—-surrendered to what He can do to me, no matter how painful….if it is me, break me!

I asked many times….

Should I stay?

Should I leave?

But You’ve always given me the answers….

Stay! Don’t run away! But my heart is weary… it’s tired from doing it’s simple job.

Lub………..,……………………

I find myself believing my auntie En-En’s comments, “He is not happy with you, because he did that to you.. he hasn’t been happy with you….”

Since then, I’ve bullied myself—- that it’s my fault! It’s my fault we are in this situation~ I go back and forth believing her comment!

And because I have Jesus, I still find the amazing balance to those comments~ that I am valued, loved, precious in His sight. Nothing can separate me from His love. No man can ever steal His love from me. I am safe in Him.

However, whenever the other party acts up— it’s easy to slide back to the deadly thoughts! Whenever he show me great deal of “disgusts” — and harsh words after harsh words….

I retaliate.

Wrong? Yes! But if I remain quiet….. I’ve allowed myself to die without defending myself!

In silence, I go back and forth to… “He did that because he is not happy with you, he hasn’t been happy…”

My flesh had told me multitude of times~~~~”LEAVE if he isn’t happy…”

But as a habit, I find myself opening my bible for answers….

(1 Corinthians 1:9)

God who got me started in this spiritual adventure, He will never give up me!

With His answers, even if it’s difficult to find love in situations like this! I still press on and press in!

The end will justify the means.