The END justify the means

If this is really about me, if not then teach me now…

If this is really about me, if yes then show me how…

You know I’m willing, I want it, I’ll give you what YOU wanted, just tell me, or break me~~~ if it’s me!

I’m letting go, I’m letting You…lead me the way back to YOU..my life is empty– if YOU’RE NOT WITH ME.

In the situation I am in, 90% of the time I attack myself with negative words “about myself” and only 10% about the other party.

I find it easier to blame myself— and say, “Lord, if I am the problem, break me…or change me…”

If I am the problem, tell me! If You want my life, take it~ all of it! It’s YOURS!

A serious request to God for myself—-surrendered to what He can do to me, no matter how painful….if it’s me, break me!

I asked many times….

Should I stay?

Should I leave?

But You’ve always given me the answers….

Stay! Don’t run away! But my heart is weary… it’s tired from doing it’s simple job.

Lub………..,……………………

I find myself believing my auntie En-En’s comments, “He is not happy with you, because he did that to you.. he hasn’t been happy with you….”

Since then, I’ve bullied myself—- that it’s my fault! It’s my fault we are in this situation~ I go back and forth believing her comment!

And because I have Jesus, I still find the amazing balance to those comments~ that I am valued, loved, precious in His sight. Nothing can separate me from His love. No man can ever steal His love from me. I am safe in Him.

However, whenever the other party acts up— it’s easy to slide back to the deadly thoughts! Whenever he show me great deal of “disgusts” — and harsh words after harsh words….

I retaliate.

Wrong? Yes! But if I remain quiet….. I’ve allowed myself to die without defending myself!

In silence, I go back and forth to… “He did that because he is not happy with you, he hasn’t been happy…”

My flesh had told me multitude of times~~~~”LEAVE if he isn’t happy…”

But as a habit, I find myself opening my bible for answers….

(1 Corinthians 1:9)

God who got me started in this spiritual adventure, He will never give up me!

With His answers, even if it’s difficult to find love in situations like this! I still press on and press in!

The end will justify the means.