If this is really about me, if not then teach me now…
If this is really about me, if yes then show me how…
You know I’m willing, I want it, I’ll give you what YOU wanted, just tell me, or break me~~~ if it’s me!
I’m letting go, I’m letting You…lead me the way back to YOU..my life is empty– if YOU’RE NOT WITH ME.
In the situation I am in, 90% of the time I attack myself with negative words “about myself” and only 10% about the other party.
I find it easier to blame myself— and say, “Lord, if I am the problem, break me…or change me…”
If I am the problem, tell me! If You want my life, take it~ all of it! It’s YOURS!
A serious request to God for myself—-surrendered to what He can do to me, no matter how painful….if it is me, break me!
I asked many times….
Should I stay?
Should I leave?
But You’ve always given me the answers….
Stay! Don’t run away! But my heart is weary… it’s tired from doing it’s simple job.
I find myself believing my auntie En-En’s comments, “He is not happy with you, because he did that to you.. he hasn’t been happy with you….”
Since then, I’ve bullied myself—- that it’s my fault! It’s my fault we are in this situation~ I go back and forth believing her comment!
And because I have Jesus, I still find the amazing balance to those comments~ that I am valued, loved, precious in His sight. Nothing can separate me from His love. No man can ever steal His love from me. I am safe in Him.
However, whenever the other party acts up— it’s easy to slide back to the deadly thoughts! Whenever he show me great deal of “disgusts” — and harsh words after harsh words….
Wrong? Yes! But if I remain quiet….. I’ve allowed myself to die without defending myself!
In silence, I go back and forth to… “He did that because he is not happy with you, he hasn’t been happy…”
My flesh had told me multitude of times~~~~”LEAVE if he isn’t happy…”
But as a habit, I find myself opening my bible for answers….
(1 Corinthians 1:9)
God who got me started in this spiritual adventure, He will never give up me!
With His answers, even if it’s difficult to find love in situations like this! I still press on and press in!
The end will justify the means.