Retrieval

My heart, it’s beating loudly and forcefully~but couldn’t seem to live freely. Always tired of pressing, always feeling empty. Seemingly running without anyone behind. Nobody. Not one..

Is it my insecurity complex that I had carried with me for years? or is it my own choosing to not build a bridge that’ll end up collapsing.

A constant feeling of rejection, left behind, the odd ball, the awkward—- it’s nobody’s fault. It’s nobody’s doing—-the mind is the problem, or maybe feeling?

It’s very hard to be around those that I have bonded emotionally—how much more with those that I haven’t. It’s nobody’s fault— the mind is the problem, or maybe feeling?

I laugh, I cry, and I am usually myself to those that I trust, but there’s still fear—- that one day, they will all talk behind my back— like how those that I love gossiped behind my back~ like I didn’t matter– the odd one, the awkward, the different, the emotional wreck–

“Her mom didn’t take good care of her..”

“She’s not as pretty as..”

“She’s such a dirty child”

“She’s not smart”

Nobody likes me~ and so I believe. I still believe. Crazy enough~ I still believe.

Those words stayed.

No matter how many friends I have, how truthful they are— how genuine! oh how blessed I am– this, I believe! I have an amazing bunch.

But, I still couldn’t seem to give my all— invest my heart. And I still feel odd, awkward, left out…

There’s still a scarred piece “OF” me~always trying so hard to trust others– that they truly care, and even if they don’t, I still long for their sincerity— that I have a hard time seeing. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack– but despite the probability of getting pricked– I still want to find.

It’s nobody’s fault. It’s not theirs to carry– and it’s not even mine. But I still to this day want to carry them like an idiot.

Them insecurities.

Them fears.

Them betrayals.

Oh well!

I know I found peace, joy, and love in Him– but I still feel empty.

Because I feel like, I only have Him. I know…

He should be enough.

He should be enough.

He should be…

My heart is the problem, or maybe feeling?

There’s no one to blame.

I just go back to this roller coaster when there’s a trigger. A seemingly never ending cycle of burying and retrieval.

Burying them all, then retrieving them once again.

Like an IDIOT.

The funny part is, my heart still aches each time– but I enjoy retrieving them each time as well.

Like an idiot.

If only it’s easy to let go of them all and be DELIVERED.

But I am the only one who has the authority over those never ending crackling flames. Burning me, invisibly–

They are small, but they still hurt.

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