My heart, it’s beating loudly and forcefully~but couldn’t seem to live freely. Always tired of pressing, always feeling empty. Seemingly running without anyone behind. Nobody. Not one..
Is it my insecurity complex that I had carried with me for years? or is it my own choosing to not build a bridge that’ll end up collapsing.
A constant feeling of rejection, left behind, the odd ball, the awkward—- it’s nobody’s fault. It’s nobody’s doing—-the mind is the problem, or maybe feeling?
It’s very hard to be around those that I have bonded emotionally—how much more with those that I haven’t. It’s nobody’s fault— the mind is the problem, or maybe feeling?
I laugh, I cry, and I am usually myself to those that I trust, but there’s still fear—- that one day, they will all talk behind my back— like how those that I love gossiped behind my back~ like I didn’t matter– the odd one, the awkward, the different, the emotional wreck–
“Her mom didn’t take good care of her..”
“She’s not as pretty as..”
“She’s such a dirty child”
“She’s not smart”
Nobody likes me~ and so I believe. I still believe. Crazy enough~ I still believe.
Those words stayed.
No matter how many friends I have, how truthful they are— how genuine! oh how blessed I am– this, I believe! I have an amazing bunch.
But, I still couldn’t seem to give my all— invest my heart. And I still feel odd, awkward, left out…
There’s still a scarred piece “OF” me~always trying so hard to trust others– that they truly care, and even if they don’t, I still long for their sincerity— that I have a hard time seeing. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack– but despite the probability of getting pricked– I still want to find.
It’s nobody’s fault. It’s not theirs to carry– and it’s not even mine. But I still to this day want to carry them like an idiot.
I know I found peace, joy, and love in Him– but I still feel empty.
Because I feel like, I only have Him. I know…
He should be enough.
He should be enough.
He should be…
My heart is the problem, or maybe feeling?
There’s no one to blame.
I just go back to this roller coaster when there’s a trigger. A seemingly never ending cycle of burying and retrieval.
Burying them all, then retrieving them once again.
Like an IDIOT.
The funny part is, my heart still aches each time– but I enjoy retrieving them each time as well.
Like an idiot.
If only it’s easy to let go of them all and be DELIVERED.
But I am the only one who has the authority over those never ending crackling flames. Burning me, invisibly–
They are small, but they still hurt.