God, What is it that you want me to learn? I asked…

When everything was brought to light, I knew it was Him. I knew He has a purpose. I knew He has a plan. Unfortunately, I wasn’t too ecstatic of the revelations and how He did it…. but still~ I am thankful on how He lead me to it!!! After all, He is God~ I am not! He knows, I don’t!

I still struggle! A process I have to go through and that I shouldn’t deny myself of~ TO BE MYSELF. And despite declaring victory for the week~ Despite listening to gospel music, reading His word daily, watching testimonies of victories—–

I still struggle to believe that maybe, I’ll look back one day— and glorify God for what happened today. There’s bleakness, there’s doubts, there’s confusion~~~ and these are all valid.

We give credit to Satan a lot for these feelings and roller coaster of emotions that he did this, or put this in our thoughts and that we should take captive to each of this negative thoughts, when really— it’s innate in us to process pain like a child.

It doesn’t make any sense for me tell a child whose feelings got hurt, he threw a tantrum because someone had stolen his favorite toy~ or someone had punch him–

“kid, take your thoughts captive”—-don’t let this affect you! You will overcome this!” Satan stole your toy and punch you in the face~ so fight him back!

I mean, this can be an exaggeration~ but I am sure pain is created for a reason… We have emotions for a reason.. and we have our brains for a reason! These are all God’s gift that we should be using accordingly.

I acknowledge that we do have a spiritual enemy that we need to fight in the spiritual~ but not all fights are spiritual! Some fights are just really there because they have to be there and should be dealt using our emotions and our brain!! Coupled with never ending prayer and faith!

Because if we try to supress them and we use all our bible verses just so we can band aid a hurt that’s truly there, it will come and hunt us in the future! We may be able to suppress it now but it will still be there— because we didn’t deal with it in the present properly.

I express hurt like a human being because I am still here on earth. I am still a person, not a flying cockroach! Hahahahah! 😂😂 Pain takes awhile to heal but that doesn’t mean it won’t heal— It will! Eventually! It’ll scar, but healed nonetheless.

We have to be HONEST about what we truly feel~ and have the humility to say, I am hurt and I need help. Those might be easy to utter for some~ but for others, that’s a lot!

Nobody wants to admit they are hurting— most of us want to put a mask of pride and tell the world, God’s got me! He is my ultimate Healer. Everything happens for a reason. Oh yes He is! Oh yes there’s is a reason behind all our struggles. I don’t doubt that at all. But, we shouldn’t be hiding our pain just so the world will think we are fine and that life is PERFECT! When it’s not! In case we forget, nobody’s life is perfect! We are all broken pieces who needs a savior daily. Who needs to repent daily— who needs His guidance and strength, DAILY!

God wants our honesty! It’s okay to deal with pain as a Christian, there’s nothing wrong with that at all. It can only become a problem if we remained hurt for many years— and allowed past hurts to unravel once again! That’s our choice!

If we are truly healed from our past disappointments and heartaches, it shouldn’t affect us in our current undertakings or situation. It’s called PAST and not PRESENT for a reason. However, if we weren’t honest about dealing with it— then it can definitely come and hunt us in our present.

So forgive me if I’ve been extremely honest with my storms. My mood swings and what not. Because I will never do the same mistake of pretending and wear the “I am a christian mask—” and brush off pain, suffering and heartache— as if it’s just a speck in my eye that can be remedied by an eyedrop.

Pain is pain. I am dealing with it— the natural way. And God is never mad at me for being HONEST.

I will heal one day.

But not today.

So don’t force me to be OKAY just because I am a strong Christian. 🖤🖤🖤🖤