Not Again

When being asked about my “why’s” but couldn’t seem to pinpoint the right answers.

When will these constant “why’s” end? Why does it even begin? When it has been buried a long time— a history, a past that should never be reminisced.

I have the best relationship, ever! An amazing husband, a very supportive in-law, and an adorable son. And yet, I still go back to my “why’s” of the past.

Am I likable? Why do I still get anxious about things that are not there? Why do my feelings of rejection and abandonment from the aunties who didn’t seem to like me growing up, keep poking me like a good old friend, that I don’t want to ever be friends with?

Why can’t I just belong? Why do I still feel so left out? Why is it so hard to feel accepted?

Why do I go back to the feeling of being left out, like that little girl hiding in the corner, staring at my two beautiful cousins wearing the same polka dot swimsuits getting their photos done for a little girls pageant.

Why do I keep remembering hearing that I shouldn’t be included as a flower girl because I ain’t pretty.

Why does it seem so fresh feeling like my mom’s pain absorber as she witnessed us not being invited from a family gathering. Stabbing her heart, feeling so helpless for her children.

But I remember…

I have my answers~ But why do I keep rejecting them like an idiot?

Why is being accepted so elusive? It sucks to be an outcast— especially as a child. You feel so empty because those that you expect to love and care for you genuinely, are the ones who are making you feel unlovable, unlikable…

I’m an adult now, and now I know…

It is not very hard to be considerate and kind.

Why can’t people stop making others feel like an outcast?

Unlikable. Unaccepted.