In silence, I find myself wanting to finish a puzzle I couldn’t even start. A seemingly neverending mind juggling process that I find very complicated. It’s not easy to juggle thoughts that we don’t even know why it’s there in the first place, or why we are allowing it to stay.
In silence, I want to count every reasons in mind I shouldn’t even have to think~
why, how, when….
I want to take ownership of the things that had happen in my life— as my sole responsibility~~~ As if I took part of something I shouldn’t~~~ but I didn’t! Hands up!!! I didn’t do anything wrong!
It is not my fault!
I am romanticizing my thoughts— what if….
To what extent do I ask questions I shouldn’t even be asking or I didn’t want to ask any longer. My heartbeat just doesn’t stop. It doesn’t stop from doing its job—-
No, I am not thinking of death! It’s just that in silence, my heart does twice it’s job. Lub-dub-lub-dub… Trying the hardest to calm me down! No words coming from a human being can ever suffice— only His words! But because it’s too silent, it’s also too LOUD!
Take ownership! What others did as a result of their sin and own choosing, is not your fault! Stop blaming yourself! My friends, easier said than done..and my mind tells me otherwise!
I am not going to declare those words—as if it is true when I know it’s not. I refused it to be true! But my mind has brought me to places I didn’t even want to be~~ And only God I am allowing—- to take me out of this undending complicated puzzle I have created..
Only Him! No one else—
Unfair as it may sound to those around me who truly cares— but my mind and heart is tired to even force itself to do its job….
Trust! It’s okay!
You’ll be disappointed, and it’s okay. Some will still hurt you, and it’s okay! Some will betray you, and it’s okay.
I take ownership to wherever my mind is taking me— but I will never take ownership to whatever my mind is telling me at times! It takes a little effort to believe them anyway— because of the situation I am in! UNCERTAIN…
I still do go back to what if….
But whenever I think of how God revealed everything to me, somehow—– I change even if it’s only a little.
He knows my struggles.
He knows my trust for Him and others took a long time to build— and when it came crumbling down in a day…and Satan’s voice telling me,
“I told you so…”
I fold! I hid…. Using God’s words as my armor! I can never do this without You. I can never continue without You. I will feel empty, without You!
I know for sure He only wanted me to look at Him and TRUST HIM over and over and over and over again.
I am. I will. I have.
And that’s what I am doing!
If the future is…..
I will trust You.
If the future is….
I will trust You.
I take ownership!
You will be my only source of Refuge..