Here we go again…

If it’s indeed true that the battle is in the mind, when is it going to end? When am I going to win?

Instead of fighting off all these unwarranted thoughts, why am I letting them in like an old lover trying to reckindle romance?

Why am I so familiar of the thoughts I don’t even want in?

He wasn’t loyal because….

He couldn’t love you because….

You will never because…

Despite knowing my worth in God, I keep coming back to what is familiar, to what I was reminded of about me…

That it will always be the same.

That no one can. That no one will.

LOVE like Jesus in this wretched world I am living.

That I will still be hurt. That I ain’t deserving of loyalty. That I will always have bad choices.

That I shouldn’t dare want another—-I have no right!

After all, I ain’t worthy of all that~

Or I am impossible to LOVE.

These thoughts are so powerful from within. I couldn’t even take captive of what isn’t true about me. It has been difficult to move past the stage of, I ain’t…

When is this battle going to end? Why am I even fighting it?

What if I’ll just let them in…

And believe in the lies I created? Or they made me believe.

I want to take hold of them, lock them up, bury them to the ground, never to be opened. But that seemed to be an arduous and daunting task.

Why can’t I just BURN THEM?

Why am I so scared of my choices now? And why am I trying so hard to prove my worth?

I am exhausted.

How long is it going to take to face these GIANTS and let the David in me, win? Do I even have the power to defeat them?

Or is it even my job to defeat them?

There are days I feel so victorious– but some days, all I can think of—- are the reasons I created why and how…

Why?

Why couldn’t they keep their promise?

Why is loyalty and faithfulness so hard to give? Like I ain’t deserving of those?

And how am I sure this time another will?

Who am I? Why do I not like myself enough? If I can’t like me, no one should.

You’re pretty. If that’s the measurement of loyalty and faithfulness— no pageant winners will ever be betrayed!

You’re smart. Then how many Harvard or Yale graduates are divorced because of infidelity?

I know— I am being ridiculous.

I still have issues.

I will not AVOID them.

This is how I am fighting my battles. My honesty towards myself.

I owe these to me.

My mind is frail. I cannot do this alone.

So let me pray instead…

“God, let me be the last in our lineage to experience this heartache caused by infidelity..”

Let it end with me.

I am begging you.