I couldn’t wait to tell my husband the news but I want it to be special. I prepared notes and print outs that says, “You were Timothy, Bear, Babe when you left this afternoon, How’s Papa sound to you or Papie? Daddy should be good right? Don’t panic we are pregnant”… then I posted it on the wall, one statement every corner. Then he called, Babe lets go out to eat, he asked.

I felt like he knew something was up, so I tried my hardest to pretend as if it was just a regular date night. I’m going to be Keeping my secret for the next few hours. Whew! (He almost caught me though.)

I succeeded.

When we got home, he usually drops me off and I get inside the apartment first. Perfect! So I had the opportune time to get ready, set up my DSLR camera and took my phone for the video. I have to see his reaction! Took him forever to come in, so I texted and called him. Where are you babe? Oh, I’m sorry, I was listening to my music. I’m coming in.

(Photo Credits to Google)

That was the longest 10 minutes of my life. It was because I was too excited to drop the bomb.

He got in, saw what I prepared. He was in total shock and disbelief. “What’s going on?” he said.. He kept on reading… and the rest was history. It was all recorded on video.

Weeks had passed. I was ready to be a mom, he was ready to be a dad. We had great conversations at night, we thought of names and argue about it. He doesn’t like what I like and I don’t like what he likes.

But one thing we did agree, WE loved the name Angel. Angelo, Angeline, Angela,. Anything with Angel.

I was 9 weeks, I didn’t want to share it to the family yet but he was and he reminded me to not live in fear. I submitted because He was right. It was Christmas Night when we decided to share it with the family. Everyone was excited like us. Congratulating us left and right. I felt so happy. I can now imagine myself as a mom. I can imagine him as a dad. I accepted it. I was ready for it and he was too. We even talked about the space of the apartment if it was enough, or how our bedroom will look like with our little one coming— conversation after conversation after conversation.

It was almost the day of my appointment, I was anxious but at the same time very excited to hear the heartbeat, how my angel looks like,. I wanted it so bad that I even researched for places where they offer baby ultrasound and you can also hear your baby’s heartbeat at 10 weeks.

Then the unexpected turn of events.

Our company’s insurance changed, so I don’t have my ID number and I have to cancel my appointment and wait for another week. Of course, I was hopeful.

I was rescheduled Thursday, January 14, 2016.

Unfortunately, Monday, January 11, 2016, at 7 pm, I had an unusual pinkish secretion so I texted my husband about it and he told me not to worry about it. When I got home, I ate and I went to the bathroom to pee, then I started bleeding. I cried, I cried louder. I couldn’t help but be scared for my little one. I don’t want it to leave me.

Tim calmed me down and told me to rest. I laid down but after a while, I had excruciating abdominal pain. I thought I might be losing it but I still prayed despite the pain and I prayed harder and asked God to not allow it. I was desperate.

I couldn’t sleep so I went to the front room and watched tv but the pain was too excruciating, I couldn’t even concentrate. Then, a Sudden explosion. Blood and water gushing down my legs, I ran towards the bathroom and yelled at my husband.

Babe, I’m bleeding, Help! 

From then on, it was non stop. At 2 am, I had contractions. And every bad contraction, I get big chunks of blood and clots. I was in pain— I couldn’t sleep, so I embraced the pain. I was crying but I was praying at the same time. I didn’t want to accept my fate but I can’t seem to control what’s happening.

Tired, I surrendered to God.

I can’t believe I’m going through this horrible nightmare. I miscarried. My baby left me. I felt numb that morning. I was exhausted. I felt like I wanted to cry but I lost all my energy.

I had my ultrasound done, my uterus was empty. Although my urine test was saying “I’m pregnant” it’s only because of my hCG levels. I hoped it wasn’t the case. I hoped I was still pregnant.

I was directed to go to the OB/GYNE they checked me and they confirmed I had a miscarriage. I couldn’t possibly imagine what I’ve done wrong. I don’t know if I should just accept it immediately or I should grieve.

I chose to accept it. I felt horrible. I was afraid and I didn’t know how to explain it to my family. I was saddened.

At first, I was too courageous. Full of God’s peace– then when it was finally sinking in that the baby I was talking to for the past 3 months, is gone. All our plans, our conversation, our imagination, our dreams— gone.

Can I still be considered a mom? Can he still be considered a dad?

God probably thought I am too strong to handle this.

But he’s wrong. For now, let me grieve. I know God has His reasons but I can’t deny the fact that my joy was stolen.

Sometimes, the only way for me to feel good and relaxed is to think that my mom was probably bored in heaven and needed company. She chose her first grandchild.

Now, I feel so alone. I feel so guilty. I didn’t even have the opportunity to hear the heartbeat to see the fetus. I thought it was actually easier for me to move on since I didn’t have that bond but now, I can’t believe how hard it is..

I hope God will give me His strength to get through this. I am too weak. I’m just thankful for other people’s testimony and for encouraging me. Their stories of resilience have been a huge help.

Keeping my faith intact still, although I am not gonna lie that I am hurting and I have all the right to feel that way.