As a follower of Jesus, some people expects us to be a little stronger than others. Expecting us to process pain like a pain vacuum— numb to every little pain of life. 

I am a follower of Jesus, I still feel pain— I process pain like how a human being should process pain.

I cry a lot, I think of the good and the bad memories shared, I tell friends about my pain, I go through the process of emotional yoyo— one minute I am laughing, and sobbing the next.

But, that doesn’t mean I am weak.

I am currently grieving for losing my 2nd home. My mother. I’ve connected to her in a deeper level. Much deeper than I thought actually— .

I’ve shared my life to her, more than I’ve ever shared my life to those that are close to me— 

And because of that, I am more likely to not accept just yet that she is gone. And that doesn’t mean I am becoming a weak follower of Christ. I am just being honest about what I feel.

And I won’t be like this for a long time. Trust me, I write a lot when I am hurting— but this is my way of coping.

Crying for her is my way of saying,I love her and I will miss her. I will miss our conversations, I will miss her jokes, I will miss her words of advice, her stories— everything about her! 

And she deserves my tears..

Every bit of it.💔

I might have said words that I shouldn’t be saying,  unnecessary comments like “kada uli nako, naa mamatay”— I am fully aware that I am deeply loved by a great God and nothing can ever separate me from His love. I am a blessing. In fact, may name Hannah means, blessing. I am embracing my name. Without pretentions, I know I am, because God says so.

But since I am still living in my flesh, the flesh in me sometimes wins— or I let it win. Just so I can express myself truly. We have a tendency as a follower to hide what we truly feel because we don’t want others to stumble– or to even think, we don’t have FAITH.

Being a Christian doesn’t mean I am strong, it means,  in my weakness, He becomes the sourch of strength.

In my weakness, He enlarges.

I can be a follower of Christ and still cry whenever I experience loss. It’s innate in us—EMOTIONS. And I am sure it’s there for a really good reason.

Can you imagine life without pain?

We are probably walking zombies now.  Just thinking about it, is funny!  Plus, we won’t be able to appreciate Joy without pain.

Can you imagine someone dying and we all laugh? Or we spit instead of crying?  Or we all have a blank stare because God didn’t create Pain?  It doesn’t make any sense right?

This is why, I am like this. Becasue I am facing it properly. .

I can’t pretend to be strong, when I am not. I can’t pretend to be okay, when in reality, I am not.

I can’t be strong for others, when I am not strong for myself. This is why I am like this. It might look like I am embracing it alone, but not really. I won’t be writing this, if I want it only for myself.   

My feelings are temporary but the God I am serving— is Constant.

Faith is not about getting what we want, it’s about getting even those that we don’t want.

That even if life is hard, tragedy strikes, loss is bound to happen, death is just around the corner, and betrayal is possible— I have one who will remain, no matter what the storms of life brings.

That even if I feel pain for a moment, joy will come.

I am not in pain because I am weak. I am in pain because I am strong enough to face the pain.

I am strong enough to embrace it as a tiny whisper, you need Him.

God is my refuge. He is my ultimate comfort during this moment of grief. He is my source of joy. He reminds me of the value of life.

That we are all temporary. We will all be forgotten.We will all die one day. But we will live eternally with Him, if we accept Him with all our heart. 

Grieving is okay as a follower of Jesus, but we should not stay there for a long time.

It will refine us for a moment, but if we allow it for a long time, it will eat us alive. It will destroy us. It will kill us.

All I am saying is, I grieve while I can— not everyone has the ability to process pain in a good way. It’s created for a reason. So I should use it wisely. 🔥🔥