Written: September 23, 2013
Growing in Faith is a countless and continuous battle of surrender but with the ability to fight back despite the hardship.
Until now, I’m still stretching my arms wide but instead of hoping for God to embrace me in the end, I purposely put down my arms and rest for I became tired and weary of the wait. However, during those moments, I felt the emptiness of the walk, my joy was gone, my excitement was in vain and my journey was nothing but a blank journey. “I knew He was there, I knew He was waiting, I knew He was looking and watching at me, but I just decided not to look at Him and just do things my way.”
I decided to look around and I felt happy temporarily but after a while, my short term happiness felt like nothing. I was mad of my decisions, I was upset about my journey, I was even disappointed with Him, why do I have to experience all these.
After a while, I still did not get what He wanted me to learn. I did not even know if He really still want me or He is over with me.
I know I hurt Him and I was hurt too but I was too selfish and too worldly that I forgot, I don’t belong here anymore. Part of me was gone, I know how to get back but I felt I wasn’t strong enough to get back– I allowed my emotions to control me again and I relied on my own my abilities. “I totally lost the strength because I was too focus on my abilities as human when in fact, the only thing I have to do, is SURRENDER.”
It’s an easy word for some but the hardest when you’re in times of struggle— It’s crawling towards the mountain of success. It’s called success, but you have to first crawl to have it. I’ve lost my will to fight, and all I can do was give up… then it dawned on me, I only have to give up— that’s it!
Indeed, the moment I said I was tired. He hands me his arm and said, thank you for coming back. It was a wonderful return of affection and the moment I felt His embrace, I knew it was the greatest return of my journey. I felt joyful, I felt the peace once again, and I felt I belong, that I don’t have to worry about my worthiness because it’s not me all along but Him.
That I don’t have to condemn myself but rather, fight back even at the point of surrender. I felt that Christ in me reminded me again of how worthy I am that He died for me. It’s done and It’s finished.
All I have to do is SURRENDER but fight.
I will continuously endure every struggle and no matter what happens and will happen, I will not stop from sharing the gospel of Christ because it molded me to become the person I am now and I will accept every challenge of faith that He has for me. It’s high time, to declare that every battle will be won because He who is in me is greater than He who is in the world…