“Breaking Filipino Stereotypes to Inter-racial marriages”
Engaged to my American boyfriend at that time, a Filipino man asked me,
“Are you really in love?” Two years passed and now married, another Filipino man asked me, “Did you really marry him for love?”
I also remember a Filipina who happen to marry a non filipino and came here through fiancée visa, asked my friends who are already here in the States, “How are you here in the US when you are not married?”
or even this question, “So, does it bother you if others are married to men twice their age?”
Or this, you have AFAM? You probably have a lot of money now!
If not questions, they will judge you base on your looks!!! If you happen to be dark skinned, short Filipina dating or married to a non filipino, you’ll get this…
“Haba ng hair“
“May pag asa pa tayo“
These questions or seemingly innocent comments are like bombs dropped in front of us and we couldn’t even evade/dodge them! It is the reality that we continuously face and avoiding them, is not an option. After all, I am married to a white guy, a non-Filipino to be exact. And I have a responsibility to break these stereotype!
What does it mean if you are a FILIPINA dating, dated, married or marrying a white guy? Or a man outside the Filipino Race, be it American, European, Arab, African American, Japanese, Korean? You are to answer all these annoying questions, if not soon, one day you will!
And the interesting part is, FILIPINOS ARE MOSTLY THE ONES WHO WILL BOMBARD YOU WITH THESE INSENSITIVE QUESTIONS AND COMMENTARIES!
Expect that you will be ASSUMED as:
GOLD DIGGER/ESCORT GIRL/BOY. The type who married a white guy for easy money. The type who purchase things way above her/his means just to impress others. And you married your man/woman because he/she can spoil you. You might love him/her now or maybe later, but your main reason for marrying him/her, is his/her money.
And trust me, if you are, that’s your choice. But remember, there is always a consequence to every wrong and evil decisions we make. We all have a choice. But I do care that you are using the other person for your own personal benefit. If you think it’s okay, not for me. But again, your life, your choice! I will still tell you, it’s wrong. It’s a free country. But please try not to be this person!
ONLINE STRIPPER/SCAMMER. The type who dated and married a non-Filipino through online dating, chatrooms, social media, etc. You are the type who invest all your money to internet café, unlimited data or home internet just to find your non-Filipino partner. You go to sleep late, you wake up early, you get naked (some, not all) in front of the camera and you do whatever it takes to marry a non-Filipino. You are tired of being poor and you wanted to help your family in a evil, extremely atypic way to earning money, or to even get out of poverty . You are the type who will ask for money in exchange for your body. You are the desperate online stripper that non-Filipinos invest on. Imagine? They don’t have to sign up to an expensive porn site memberships because they got you! Wait, is it really expensive? I just guessed that. :p
Unfortunately for you, many don’t agree to this lifestyle. I do not condone this type of behavior as well, and I need not explain in detail why. It’s wrong in the eyes of many. It is wrong in the eyes of the Lord. That’s it! Will I judge you? Of course not! We are all frail, and we all fail. Just so happen for you, this is a harder battle to fight with. Or maybe, you are not fighting it at all. Some enjoy sin, why? Because sin is enjoyable. And I am not making that up. A verse in bible mentioned,
“Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.” (1 Corinthians 6:12)
However, I will not tell you what to do. That is still solely your decision. I will tell you though, your body is not your own. God owns everything. If we go back to the old testament, God detest every kind of immoral behavior. That doesn’t mean you are not redeemable, because you are! In fact you already are! But you must be willing to receive the free gift of redemption through Jesus.
LOTTO TICKET WINNER. The type who desperately wanted to get out of the country maybe because you are tired getting paid low. You wanted to help your family but couldn’t afford to. Or you are always denied of a visiting visa abroad, scammed for work visa or denied of one, so you resorted to the easiest way out. You are the type who dated and married a non-Filipino because it is like winning a lotto ticket, it’s not for everyone to relish, it’s only for the chosen few who are deemed LUCKY. If you are single, why not? If you are married, and did this anyway, may God forgive you!
I still believe though that these bunch are one of the lucky few, or I call them blessed few. If we have differences in some matters however, that’s on me! And if you have a problem with those who did this, screw you! SCREW YOUR IDIOTIC FACE! Whatever it is you’re thinking now, sniff them in like a dirty snot, or spit it out! We don’t need any of your judgement! And we don’t want any pretentious people in our lives anyway. I say we for a reason.
I don’t see myself as poor growing up, we are not poor, but we aren’t rich. We are well provided for. We may not have the abundance, but we ate three times a day and we got what we NEEDED. I wasn’t denied of a visiting visa, but was worried of getting denied as a family when we applied for one. I wasn’t desperate to get out of the country, but I wanted to get out of the country to help my family.
When I came to the US, it was only to visit. But my motives became clear as day went on…
I wanted to stay here, get a degree, earn money, help my family, GO BACK HOME and be a community worker with a clear goal in mind. Obviously, some goals doesn’t work as planned.
Anyway, I call those who belonged to this category as the the privilege few because we now have the chance to help our family back home! Come on, in the Philippines if you live outside the big cities, I’m sure the daily wage ranges from Php 200 to Php 400. When converted to US Dollar, that is around $4 to $6 a day. If you are earning more than that, you are close to lucky but not quiet. So, if you know someone who only dates a non-Filipino, and he/she is honest about his/her situation, I believe you have one worth keeping! Filipinos are family oriented! They are loyal and faithful. But be prepared to say yes when he/she wants to share what he/she is blessed. We have debt of gratitude as one of our biggest core values out of the long list of family values that we were taught with growing up.
Do not let US choose between family or you, because you will only be frustrated with the answer we give. FAMILY!
Well, I say some, because not all are. It’s across all race anyway. I’m only sharing from my own point of view.
To add, some can become very materialistic though because of whatever source of abundance one has, some may forget how it feels like to lack something, or have nothing. I am not against those who enjoy luxury goods, not at all. It’s the motive of the heart that matters to me. Why are you buying what you are buying? And if the answer is because you just plainly like the product, you can afford it, and you’re happy! Then, oh yeah! Enjoy the product. I love amazing brands too~ 🤷♀️ GUILTY!
Anyway, I’ll talk more about the things that can happen or things to expect after coming to the US, but for now, these are the top three assumptions when you are dating or married to a non-Filipino.
These ugly assumptions are real. Too real, that sometimes, it’s better for those who are dating or are married for love and real commitment~~ to not say anything.
Many of us hid our relationship because we don’t want to be judge. Many of us doesn’t want the limelight. Many of us are scared to be misunderstood.
Not me, I am a LOUD minority.
Allow me to break the stereotype even for only a little. I married a white guy for LOVE and that’s all that matters. If you ask me why, I will tell you, SCREW YOU! It is my life, not yours! If we are successful in our marriage, that’s because we both work hard for it. If we aren’t, one of us gave up the fight. And that has nothing to do with our race. That’s how relationship works!
I married him even when he is one year and seven months younger than me. Let’s be real. If not divorce, the Filipinas here has non-Filipino husband are married to one twice their age and there’s nothing wrong with that! As long as they married for love and not for the benefit they can get. It’s the SINCERITY that counts! And even if they thought of the benefit, you still don’t have the right to judge! So, if you see one walking on the streets of Cebu, Manila, Davao, or anywhere in the Philippines, I appreciate it if you don’t judge! Just drop it! We have choices in this life, if yours is different to our preferences and choices, just accept it!
To continue, I married him who was a part of the Christian Fellowship I was attending to that time but he was part of~~ two years back.
I married him who knows a few people I know from church and from the Christian Fellowship I was attending at that time.
I married him who first heard my voice through a voicemail that I sent to his brother inviting his brother to join the Christian Fellowship. That’s right! He did not first hear my voice talking over the phone.
At that time, I sent the voicemail to his brother whom I did not have any connection with. We realized later that we have this strange link.
I married him because I saw a beautiful coincidence of love sprouting from all angles of our life.
I married him not because he is white, rich or he matched the standard I have in a husband but because he has the godly character I was looking for.
There was a point actually when dating my non Filipino boyfriend then, now my husband, was too hard. Too hard to show him to the world I was living. Too ashamed of what people might say. And while I was dating him, I had to find an excuse to not go public on social media. The ugly truth was, I was too afraid of the stereotype. I was scared of questions, assumptions and judgments. But as soon as I returned to the US and saw him once again at the airport, I realized, hiding the relationship because of my fear was rather unfair and uncalled for. I felt the need to be courageous and break all the barriers and negative assumptions.
I am now married to my white guy for six years, and whatever!
He is non-Filipino but he is not my sugar daddy. He is non-Filipino and he is the love of my life. I am still blessed to have him. Loving a non-Filipino is for the chosen few, it’s for those who are willing to go against the strong current of negative assumptions and to those who aren’t scared of the false judgments. And for those are willing to adjust, but adjust more than the usual same race adjustments.
I might have met online here in the US while I was studying as an International Student, but we started off as strangers with common friends, strange connection, and coincidences. Come on! I have talked to a few Filipino that had confessed their feelings towards me online. I hung out with non-Filipinos as well that I met in person, or talked to through Facebook or other social media networking site, but my husband was the one I chose to marry. And that is because of LOVE, not his RACE.
We live past the “penpal” generation, but we are living in the social media generation. Some relationships might have started through social media, a multitude of relationship might have started through cellphones! A few of us might have exchanged numbers with strangers or will exchange numbers with strangers, and some start their relationship through cellphones, while others end their relationship through it.
Human have evolved in so many ways. The unconventional then, is deemed “common” now. And as much as it bothers the heck out of people marrying someone of different race, let it bother them—-let it annoy them—-
I will not disagree to those negative assumptions because it is definitely the reality of “some” Filipina.
However, not all who married a non-Filipino, are considered GOLD DIGGERS, or AN ONLINE STRIPPER. There are a few of us who married for love and real lifetime commitment. And I am proud to say that I have amazing friends who met the love of their life online while they were still in the Philippines, dated online for years, came here through fiancée visa, and are happily married to each other.
That does not defeat the fact that there are also those that I know who met online but are not happy, just dealing with their spouse on a day to day basis. Some that I know are both Filipino couples but are divorced, separated, in paradise trouble, etc.,
In marriage, we all have a choice! No matter who we married. It is our choice to fight until the end, or not….
When it comes to love, we are all similar in a way. We love and we don’t need any reasons, validity, acceptance nor affirmation from others when we do. When we love, we don’t care about those ugly assumptions.
It can ANNOY us for a while but as time goes by, what really matter is our sincerity, our actions, and our COMMITMENT.
After all, “There’s no RACE in GRACE.”
I am married to a non-Filipino, and duh!?! Whatever!
The success of our relationship is not going to be based on how others view us, how much we both earn, how we describe our relationship as stable, how many kids we have, how much time we spend on travel, how much money we spend for each other, and the list goes on.
The success of our relationship depends on the commitment we built, and we keep building. Of course one that is built on FAITH. It depends on our sincerity, trust, respect, and love for each other! It depends on our choices. It depends on how we deal with the violent storms along the way. Either we choose to stay, or we do not. It depends on us also to choose the easiest route for our relationship, but sometimes, what seemed to be easy route for some, might not be easy for all.
And that does not require race! We do not have to do all what we should to achieve a successful marriage, because even success is relative. We all define it differently.
All I am saying is, if you see someone who is dating or married to a non-Filipino, please refrain from asking the question, how did you meet? or do you really love him/her? You never do that to someone who is dating the same race. Even if you do, that’s a rare occurrence.
We don’t judge someone who are non filipino and are dating or married to non filipino.
So why do we judge our own?
Don’t blame innocence, that is lack awareness and understanding. The lack of sympathy and respect towards others.
Granted, there are those who probably do not love the person they are with, but that is also none of your business! If they are cool with it, they respect each other, they are loyal to each other, and they are faithful? Let them! We have our own perspective to things, but it is necessary to share some respect. While some call it, to be politically correct. I call it, COMMON SENSE!
I am only defending those that are silent. Because this must stop! I know I don’t have to, but I will anyway.
I am married to a non-Filipino, and duh!?! Whatever!