If I were to reflect on myself and think about why I am who I am, will I be convinced that I am not normal and that’s why my siblings don’t like me according to my dad’s sister? Bothered by what she had told me and accused me of, I decided to put myself in other people’s shoes. What is it about me that I deemed UNIQUE, WEIRD but relevant.
OUTSPOKEN- I don’t shy away from speaking up. It’s a lesson I had learned along the way. It’s probably because I didn’t like it when mama had to keep things to herself. I didn’t like it that instead of being honest, I was told before—-to not speak or else you will be in trouble.
If trouble is what I will get from speaking up, isn’t it better to be in trouble rather than be silent? I enjoy the silence on occasion, but my silence usually takes me to frustration if I fail to express, or being forced to do so.
There are times I’d rather not say anything to preserve the relationship but I always ended up pretending my whole life and that I am fine about everything…
After all, it’s the norm!
People will even encourage me to shut up and keep things to myself rather than blowing it out of proportion because it can tarnish relationships, or break bonds.
I stopped myself so many times because Auntie Salma kept reminding me, it’s okay Hannah girl, it’s not worth telling the people those that we wanted to express because they are not going to change for us. But where is she now? She might be right about things, but I can never be like mama and her. I can not keep my silence just because I think it’s not worth it, or just because I am scared others will hate me after. Isn’t a broken bond better than dishonesty? While others move forward with their lives as if nothing should be told, expressed when there’s a need to, it’s hard for me to just sit and watch.
And because I am who I am, I am always accused of being weird, and unlikable. But being weird and unlikable is also a gift! That means I don’t think of any repercussions for the sake of HONESTY. I don’t need people to like me for my pretensions, dishonesty, and fakeness—-I’d rather have them dislike me with my HONESTY AND GENUINENESS.
I always thought to be tactless, unfiltered, OUTSPOKEN—- are all negative traits anyone can have. I was told many times I have those traits! Although it can be negative in some situations, it’s not always negative. It can be an opportunity for someone to just say the things they needed to say— of course CONSTRUCTIVE! But can we really be constructive and unfiltered? Constructive and outspoken?
After reflecting on what I did earlier, I guess I went beyond the point of what I had wanted to convey. I didn’t want to go back to the past but because I never had the chance to express them to the person, it continued to grow in my heart unknowingly. I chose to not tell her because like others had told me, it’s not worth it. But by doing so, the darkness remained. Now I know that we have to face our giants and we have to face them proudly. I felt so bad that I had mentioned a longstanding pain that only I know—and only I carried— but it felt so good that I was able to tell her! To tell her to stop hurting us! I wanted to tell her this when I was only 6 years old. It felt so liberating! It felt so good—-In response I was called names that I know aren’t true about me anymore! Because I move past the stage of being so– Am I still reminded of them? yes! Will they still be around? Yes! But those insecurities will not take hold of my identity.
MY IDENTITY IS IN CHRIST. I AM WORTHY. I AM VALUED. I AM LOVED. I AM BLESSED.
Honestly, I wanted to express my disgust about comparisons! All I wanted to say was it’s never okay to remind others by comparing them to the others. The kid in class did it, you should do it too! I am guilty of this as well on doing this sometimes, and I wish someone had told me I was wrong~ but my tiny darkness hiding inside of me wanted to come out and I am glad it did. It did for a reason. It did because I wanted to protect my siblings. I might have gone overboard and maybe misinterpreted them, but it’s okay— the point was delivered!
STOP HURTING US!